Monday, October 1, 2007

I'm such a Tase

There are any number of things wrong with law enforcement officers in America: they're too fond of trans-fat foods; they tend to believe that Jim Crow laws are still in effect, though diversity training must have taken place at some point in their tenure in the academy; and now they seem particularly fond of Tasers.

By now most everyone who has a high-speed Internet connection has seen footage of the University of Florida Police Department's unnecessary gang tackling, and then prompt electrocution, of what goes for a fringe radical in Gainesville. (It should be noted that in the South a fringe radical is someone who doesn't watch football on both Saturday and Sunday, or who doesn't eat T-bone steaks three meals a day).

Excessive Taser use has been noted in numerous recent altercations apart from Andrew Meyer, however. Take note of a library imbroglio at the UCLA library and a an unfortunate incident in Youngstown, OH where apparently it benefits to be a driver under the influence and not a passenger. A couple of weeks ago it had even seemed that everyone in America had the words "don't Tase me, bro" etched in memory.

Of course police officers in and of themselves are not to be blamed. They are often the least educated of municipal workers, and when their profession is idealized in Hollywood when in fact most of their work is spent behind the wheel of a squad car farting the ABC's, the temptation to Tase is unbearable. Grandmother jaywalking? Shock her in her heinie. Running a stop sign on a pennyfarthing? Say night-night to your virility (sorry, boys). Drinking underage in your parents' home? Long for humane treatment at Guantanamo.

Interestingly enough, the University itself has decided to implement Taser protocol for all campus officers. I am comforted to know that they weren't prepped with one before serving under the employ of this esteemed institution. As such, I have decided to ask you, our reading blogosphere, to write us with the appropriate steps to take before and after sending 50,000 volts coarsing through the human body. Illustrations would be lovely, diagrams lovelier.

Oh, and if you're interested in purchasing a sexy hot pink one, head over to Tiger Tasers. It'll put you back $349.95 (plus $18.50 S&H).

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