Sunday, August 26, 2007

Primitive or working on a grand plan?

I've been reading a lot about Dasypodidae recently mostly because I'm lonely and too fond of mescal. Armadillos, as they're known in lay circles, are far too primitive for their own good. It has been presumed that these placental mammals weren't able to escape the time warp of evolution, and have been forced to live a most pathetic existence as constant fodder for the wheeled demons of American roadways. In the South, if you do not see an armadillo obliterated during your commute, smashed such that even the most skilled forensic mammalogist wouldn't be able to identify the hide nor hair, well then you've been drinking too much moonshine.

But not one of the 20 species in the family is endangered, or even sensitive in the case of North America. They flock to asphalt as if it's 'dillo-nip, are subsequently annhilated, and yet they still keep procreating without hindrance.

There is clearly something in the water, as there always is in the South. I suspect that there's something afoot with these half-blind, short-legged, reptillian-looking monstrosities, and it can only be explained by illegal immigration.

Yes, it is true, the Mexicans are bringing in armadillos because they know that these beasties will destroy the suspension units of AMERICAN-made cars. Has a Toyota, Honda, or any other rice- or cabbage-burning foreign car had its alignment thrown out by a disembowled armadillo? See for yourself. This is exactly what the most esteemed scientists in the field are studying, and so far the results are not pretty. Fords, Chevys, and GMC's are being taken for a ride by the wetbacks, and this time it's not through the use of clever tactics like lacing Taco Bell products with highly addictive marijuana or encouraging our children to take siestas during the school day so that their their ninos learn differential equations, C++, and Tolstoy whilst everyone else is fast asleep on their mat, which, by the way, is probably the perfect vector for Mexican typhus.

I'm on to the beaners, and I hope that all of you erudite readers will assist me in hunting down every single Mexican in the swamps and mangroves of the former Confederate States of America. God bless.


Anonymous said...

The Southwest is running out of water, but Pres. Bush is helping the situation with his surplus of wetbacks! Irv

Sethwell said...

Holy God. Layers within layers. Genius.